The day was supposed to start with a call from the hospital telling us when to come in. “Morning” to a hospital is not the same as “morning” to me, so I had taken my cell phone to bed with me because 5am is not a time I am accustomed to being awake (anymore, that is). I actually kept waking up all night, checking my phone, which didn’t ring. Finally at 8am both H’s phone and my mom’s phones rang and my OB left a message about how I was supposed to be at the hospital! Eek! (They must have had the wrong number for me or something, never did get to the bottom of that.) So I called back and said we were coming!!! And off we went.

Therefore we didn’t really get started until 10ish. The induction took off right away though, apparently my body decided it liked Pitocin this time, and things progressed nicely. It was very nice that my OB wanted my body to be mostly ready, as opposed to last time, and I think it was. But that’s another blog entry!

So Mr OB said we would break ye olde waters in a bit, but then around noon they broke all on their own. I was SHOCKED. Not having had that experience before, I was in the middle of a conversation with H and our nurse (We had our very own dedicated nurse. How cool is that?) when I stopped talking, and after a moment said something along the lines of “Either I just peed, or my water broke.” Thank god it was the water. Having your water break is plain strange, it’s like peeing without your consent! And then it continued to leak the rest of the day. That’s all I’ll say about that!

So this kiddo had meconium in his amniotic fluid, just like his brother! So we knew he’d be whisked off across the room to get that taken care of, and we were okay with that.

After the water event, things progressed quickly, as I knew they would because that’s when all hell broke loose with the Boo’s birth. The contractions increased and got stronger and for a long time (at least it felt like a long time) I was breathing through them and focused and calm and doing really, really well. I had wondered if I would want to get up and do different positions and things like that, but really all I wanted to do was to concentrate, focus on separating my body from the work of my uterus, and try to remain as calm as possible. Bearing in mind, of course, that we were still in the beginning stages.

Then I started to feel really bad. Jittery and nauseated, threatening to throw up, losing my ability to focus, and evidently reaching my pain threshold. By that time we were between 4 and 5cm and after three increasingly bad contractions where I started to feel like I was losing my grip, I decided I didn’t have anything to prove to anyone. I already knew how awful it could get if I lose control with the vomiting and the pain and more specifically the lack of pain management, so I decided I was done. The nurse chipped in that the pitocin should keep contractions going even with an epidural so there’s little danger of the labour stalling, which was one of many things I was worried about, so we decided it was time for an epidural. I have no idea if that’s actually true, about no stalling, but I was ready. I also dont know if it’s true that pitocin labours are harder, but either I’m a major wimp, or they are, at least a little bit.

It’s funny, I have mixed emotions about the whole natural birth thing. I do feel like it’s the ideal, better for baby, that women in general are more than capable of doing it, but … damn it’s nice being able to be calm and focused and fully aware. I know this issue is full of contention, so moving on!

Turns out I had the perfect epidural. Hurrah! It knocked out the pain while I was still able to feel everything. My legs were all pins and needles, which was mildly unpleasant, but I could still move them which was cool. I could feel most of the contractions but of course they didn’t hurt. Epidurals seem to speed things up for me, and this one did precisely that.

When we were “complete” the OB was busy dealing with something else, so we sort of hung out for a while. I kept getting this really odd sensation of something pushing down, uh, down there. That never happened with Boo, and in fact I think I had to push two hours with him. That sensation kept kept happening over and over, so when the OB came to check, he said we should do one experimental push to see if we were ready. Then he had to yell to stop because Hello! We were ready to have a baby!!

So the required people came in, we pushed and there was a baby. Seriously, it was that fast. The doc said it was one push but I do seem to remember at least two. But whatever. It wasn’t hours and there was a gurgling baby.

Of course he had the cord wrapped twice around his neck which nearly gave me a heart attack, but that was dealt with swiftly, and after the initial gurgling (I was thinking, when is he going to cry?!) he hollered, got his cord snipped by Daddy, got his lungs cleared out, weighed and measured (slightly smaller than his big bro, but not by much!) and given back to us.

It was as perfect a birth as I could imagine, and our little guy is so happy. He nursed well right away, he looks almost exactly like his big bro, i.e. adorable, he’s very cuddly and remarkably calm. He has huge grey eyes that are constantly looking about in wonder. I am so glad he’s here!

I’m at 36 weeks and a bit, so it’s time to switch to Heparin.

Up to now I’ve been on Lovenox, which is a version of Heparin that is not easily reversible, like the real thing, but can be taken once daily, and thus is much more convenient. Since labour involves blood, the docs wanted to have me on something they could reverse. Works for me.

Unfortunately what I did not previously appreciate was that Lovenox comes packaged in previously filled syringes. Take and toss, if you will.

Heparin comes in vials. Like at the doctor’s office. I had to buy syringes! I have to learn to fill my own shots. I know this shouldn’t sound daunting, but damn. I’m nervous! I’m sure there are people who do this every day (do diabetics draw their own insulin?) but still… Eeek!

And since Heparin wears off so quickly I get to do it three times a day. Yippee! I am going to be so black and blue by the time this is over.
Thank goodness it’s only for another few weeks. 3 weeks if all goes according to plan. Insert another ‘Eeeek!’ here :)

I wasn’t sure whether or not I would want to write something today or not. It was one year ago that we found out that Baby Bea had passed away.

Honestly I can’t believe it’s been a year. It seems both so long ago and practically yesterday.

We’ve definitely moved on in many ways, first and foremost, I suppose, optimistically expecting a new baby in a few months. Although I may miss her and think about her often, I don’t think about her constantly or even every day. We even went through baby things the other day (something we’ve understandably put off, I think) and now have a bag of baby girl clothes to give away. I don’t even have her bear finished — it’ll get finished when it’s finished, I suppose. I’m not stressed about it.

What’s changed? Well I definitely just want this baby to get here no matter what. I no longer am paranoid about c-sections or the “best” way to give birth. I’m not into arguing with doctors (much) or doing it my way. Any way will do as long as the baby is okay. Since he’s currently in breech and seemingly objects to turning around, this mental state might come in handy. After all, even if things do work out as we want them to, there are still no guarantees after that either.

In some ways I’m sort of thankful for the timing of this baby — the Boo has taken an active interest in “baby brother” and even seems to be on the same wavelength sometimes, asking if he’s kicking when he is, in fact, doing so. He feels for the baby kicking and asks lots of questions. He doesn’t understand why baby brother isn’t here NOW. Although he may understand a lot of things about this process, I don’t think he gets that it will be a few years before he’ll have a playmate.

While Boo may still be very demanding and time consuming, I think he’s also much more accepting of Mommy needing to do other things, at least more accepting than he used to be. This will come in handy with a baby around, I suspect. Don’t worry, I’m not thinking everything is going to be peachy keen and that the Boo won’t have mommy withdrawal problems or bouts of jealously, I just think at his current age he’ll be more understanding of what’s needed and what’s happening than he would have been a year ago. He has needed us so very much over the past year that I’m sort of (and only sort of) glad that we’ve been able to give him that.

As for this baby being a boy.. I’ve thought a lot about that. Of course it’s only mostly certain and not completely certain that it’s a boy, so I hesitate to even say something about it. But.. I am glad it’s a boy. I think the Boo will benefit more from a brother, for some reason. And in a way it keeps Baby Bea special. Not that she wouldn’t be special and not that a baby girl wouldn’t be equally welcomed, it’s just a little feeling I’ve kept tucked away in my head. I have a daughter and she’s the only one and she’s special, even if she’s not here.

Bea’s “birthday”, such as it is, will be on the 22nd. I dunno if I’ll write anything then or not. The above is pretty much the sum of my thoughts on the matter, although of course I have several saved posts from last year that never got published. I dunno; we’ll see. It will be what it will be.

We’re at 25 weeks now with Baby Blip. Look, it’s a baby:

Nearly a year ago we got some very, very bad news about Baby Bea at 24 weeks, and I have to admit, over the last month (or 5) I’ve sort of been holding my breath. Not making any real plans. Being cautiously optimistic but knowing something could go wrong at any time.

Last week was our 24 week appointment with the Blip and the heartbeat is strong and so far, so good. Hell, I’m even gaining a respectable amount of weight (as opposed to eating enough for Alexander’s army). He’s finally kicking somewhat predictably.. apparently he really likes banana pudding. Anyway, it looks good. Cautiously, cautiously, optimistically, good.

So I’m trying to breathe out. We’re past that danger point of last time, we’re quickly approaching that viability point where it something goes wrong things can be saved, and we very well may have a baby in the near future. Wow.

I’m not at the point yet of setting up the crib or getting out clothes or sorting through diapers (there are benefits to having the same gender.. we’ve already got everything!).. but still. We’re getting there. So here’s to hoping. Baby blip, you’re doing good. Hang in there.

The other day we asked the Boo if he thought Brother/Sister (what we’ve been calling Blip for him) was in fact and Brother or a Sister.

He declared it was a Sister.

Should be fun to find out next week!

Incidently, this is quite possibly one of the worst phases to be in during pregnancy for those prone to worrying whether or not their baby is alive. Vague kicks but then nothing for a long while. My doc says I can come in to get it checked whenever I want to, but dragging the Boo there isn’t easy so I’m just trying not to worry. I keep meaning to check into getting one of those doppler things.

Oh well — last check the baby’s heartbeat was nice and strong and I think I’m feeling it move more now. Surely my bowels aren’t that acrobatic!

Finally! I’ve been yearning to talk about this stuff!

Due date: April 25th or thereabouts.

Gender: No idea! I was having serious nausea early on so I thought it was probably a boy since my pattern so far has been 24 hour sickness with a boy and nada with a girl. This one though is throwing me.. I’ve been very nauseated but not enough to throw up. Somewhere in between. Boggle! Just goes to show every pregnancy is different, right? We’ll find out at the 20 week scan. :)

Cravings: Whee! I’ve had cravings! I remember with the Boo I was SO looking forward to sending H out for strange food and I didn’t have any cravings! Nothing! This time though it’s balsalmic vinegar. How wierd is that? I’ve been tearing through Greek salads with balsalmic vinaigrette. YUM. Better than cheeseburgers and fries! Plus I even lost some weight since the last doctor’s visit. Good start, now I just need to not gain too much the rest of the time!

First Trimester Scan: I was excessively worried about this. Felt like the tech took too many measurements, and they took a picture of the baby’s face which I’d never seen them do before. I had days of nightmarish scenarios in my head with lots of crying before they called to tell me the test results came back great! Best numbers possible! Yay! Brought into sharp relief for me the fact that I might be a teensy bit sensitive this time around.

Hmm what else.. other than being the usual tired, hormonal and cranky, things are going great :) Boo is very cute as well, talking about his “baby brother or baby sister”. Lots of his little friends have younger siblings so he’s pretty well acquainted with the concept. There are lots of things to figure out.. logistics like which grandparent can come stay for the birth so the Boo gets looked after.. how to position our furniture (I feel this need to not have to get up in the middle of night).. do we need a couch? Names.. diapers.. clothes.. car seats.. but honestly I’m not giving it all a lot of thought at this point. I don’t think we’ll truly relax until we get much closer. My mother maintains I must think positive but I have to admit it’s hard to get overly attached at this point. I have high hopes.. but I’m not counting my chickens before they hatch, if you will.

Due at the end of April, 2008!
(You mean you can’t decipher the blob above? :)

It’s the 13th. Again. Clearly this day is going to keep coming, but don’t worry, I won’t write about it forever.

I find it interesting that the 13th is so crystallized in my mind. February 13th was the day my life screeched to a halt and screamed. If life was a picture, it would be this happily bumpy line, some ups, some downs, some thicker lines, some thinner.. and then it would suddenly just go up and down drastically in a very tight space, looking something like one of those earthquake recorders. When it recovers it’s in a completely different space than before. It’ll never be the same again.

It seems to me the 22nd ought to be the more memorable, celebrated date, if you will. Her birthday, as such. But the 22nd is already signified by a fair amount of happiness, seeing as the Boo’s birthday is also the 22nd. For that matter, so is H’s sister’s. The 22nd is already a date to remember, and a good one. And the fact that that day in and of itself was… cathartic, we’ll say, I just can’t feel bad about that date.

But the 13th. Can’t we just pretend the 13th doesn’t exist? (Note to self: do NOT forget that the 13th is also H’s birthday! Sheesh. Bad wife. Bad, bad.)

You know I’d be really big now. 2 months to go.. less, actually. I’d be approaching waddling stage. Another 4 weeks and I’d be having serious trouble driving our car. The kiddo would’ve been kicking up a storm, and probably amusing her brother greatly.

As it is, I’m 25 pounds heavier, none of my clothes fit, but at least I’ve stopped taking the Lovenox shots. As it is. As it is.

I’m starting to get bitter. Bitter that I have 25 pounds to lose without any breastfeeding help. They practically fell off last time. Bitter that I’ve been taking these Lovenox shots for 8 months with nothing to show for it but a bruised, lumpy and painful belly. 2 more weeks then no more shots. Until next time, yippee skip.

In a way I’m bitter that life is continuing as if nothing happened. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I expect. Just more than … this. It just seems wrong.

There’s also the problem of other people’s babies. People don’t know whether to treat me with eggshells on the topic or not. And honestly I don’t know either. Like I was just told today that my aunt’s great-granddaughter was born on the 27th (which is another story in and of itself since I didn’t know she had a grandchild old enough to have children!) and I’m so happy for her. I know she must be really pleased. And then I’m asked if it’s okay to tell me that sort of thing.. and my initial reaction is well, yes. Of course. I don’t begrudge anyone their babies. Babies are gorgeous, period. I want to know about everyone’s babies. Babies are one of my favorite topics these days!

But then I start to think of all the people I know who have had babies recently. Two just in the last few weeks. More due in the upcoming months. People out in blogland. And I don’t begrudge them, but … I just miss mine. That’s all, I guess. I just miss mine. That’s supposed to be me.

And then there’s my blog.. I keep thinking maybe I should make a category for Baby Bea. After all there’s a category for Baby Boo (until he got his own blog, the grown up child!). After all, I’m not pregnant any more. (Although I just found out that the HCG is only just getting out of my system. Craziness.) But it feels like… resolution to pregnancy gone wrong. Not having a baby. So I haven’t made a category. Isn’t it silly to fixate on something like that? I’m looking forward to Roller’s tags, then I won’t have to worry about stuff like this.

Anyway.. it’s late and I’m rambling. I’ve been grumpy lately. Hormones. I’m blaming it all on hormones. Maybe I should order some more yarn.

And I thought I didn’t have anything to say.

I ran across this post in my blog perusals today, and … okay well I don’t have anything to say, other than the thought that hey, that’s a really nice urn, much nicer than Baby Bea’s. The title of this post is a quote from the linked post, and it’s beautiful.

I don’t know anything about this blog, I don’t even know what this “real mom meme” thing is seeing as I’ve pretty much ditched mommy blogs for knitting blogs, but still. I can’t add anything, it’s just beautiful as it is. And she’s right — I’ll always be mentally adding more kids to my list than you actually see. I just know I will.