I have a trip coming up where I’m taking both children on a plane to visit my family on the other side of the continent. I’m both excited and filled with anxiety.

On the one hand it’s been absolutely ages since my oldest has been back to where he was born. While my mom and dad have both seen the kids recently, others whom I care a great deal about have not, and I don’t like that.

Since the kids are both older I feel like the trip will hopefully be better than those past, i.e. not quite so much work. (Although I recognize I might be overly-hopeful in that department, but I am choosing optimism here.) We tried to work it out where hubby could come too, i.e. help on the plane, but in the end it’s just me and the boys. It’s going to be better that way for many reasons, but OH MY GOD THE PLANE. You can sense the panic rising, yes?

So I’ve been plotting and planning in an effort to stem the tide of anxiety. Here are my current ideas for entertaining a preschooler and a toddler on a 4+ hour flight across the flippin’ country:

• Felt finger puppets designed to go with to nursey rhymes
  i.e. the three little bigs, billy goats gruff, jack and the beanstalk, hansel & gretl, ugly duckling, etc. Are there others that would be good? Here’s where I admit that I don’t know many nursery rhymes and I certainly don’t know all of those listed above. This would be homework for me not only in stitching finger puppets (I keep telling myself how hard can it be?) but in memorizing the stories!
• “Finger play” book, like Eentsy Weentsy Spider: Fingerplays and Action Rhymes
  I wish I could remember where I ran across this suggestion, but I know it had to do with a recent change to airplane rules where you are not allowed to get up or do anything for the last hour. Expecting children to behave themselves for an hour in the incredibly unnatural setting of an airplane is folly at best, but if that rumor is true, and if I can get my memory to work, maybe I can teach some of these types of “action rhymes” to the kids to pass the time. It’s worth a shot.
• I Spy bags, first seen here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/aebaby
  I love that this shop sells both completed versions and DIY kits. I will of course attempt to do it all myself first (although I’ve never purchased sewable clear vinyl before.. where does one get such a thing? And where do you get tiny crap?) but as time passes, I may well buy some. We’ll see. The I Spy books are suddenly popular around here so I think this will go over well throughout the trip. I wonder if one could design them to have different stuff added as time goes by? I guess you’d risk spilling ten tons of rice around if you did that!
• Crayon/pencil rolls with paper/sketch books
  I have scoffed at pencil and crayon rolls in the past as unnecessary, but now I understand the wisdom. You can keep track of said crayons/pencils. An excellent idea both for when on an airplane and travelling in general. Of course I will attempt to make these myself, but if pressed for time, they can be ordered. Yay! I am as yet undecided on whether both kids get crayons or if elder gets pencils, whether to use plain paper (or staple them into books) or get real sketch books, or just tiny books that can be included with the roll, or some combination thereof. Must think more.
• Quiet book for toddler
  This is a project that I’ve had in mind for a long time, in fact since my preschooler was a toddler, and I know I’ve written about it before, but of course have yet to make it. I did get as far as setting aside some baby clothes with intriguing closures to make into a book, so I could, if I had the gumption, square them off and make a quiet book of zips, buttons, snaps, etc. We’ll see. This is probably the least likely project to get done, which is ironic because it’s for the child who is going to be the hardest to occupy for that length of time. Perhaps I should revisit my priorities! I’m just not sure how to go about making the actual book.
• Car playset
  I usually bring a “car playset” that folds up compactly but opens up into this little 3D playset for Matchbox-sized cars. The kids think it’s pretty cool, I usually have cars anyway, but I’m undecided if it is value-for-space if you know what I mean.
• And of course, don’t forget the usual suspects!
  • Favorite and/or new books including one about airplanes for the new-experience-toddler
  • DVD player (FULLY CHARGED!), with reliable and favorite (and possibly new) cartoons or movie
  • music (possibly videos) on the iPod, possibly kid-friendly games on the iPod (but then possibly not because I don’t want it broken but as a last resort?)
  • …and then headphones (maybe two sets? Will they be able to share? Do I need a splitter?).
  • Actually the drawing materials and paper and books are “usual suspects” as well, but the rolls are new so I did those in a separate listing.
  • Workbooks for eldest (Mazes, coloring, math, dot-to-dot, stuff he likes doing anyway)
  • Coloring books
  • Mama’s Little Book of Tricks
  • Sticker books (although I’m annoyed at them now because the stickers always come off??? But we have several so might as well.)
  • Leapster for the eldest, but do I need to bring the Gameboy so the toddler has something to copy with? This is what we do at home to distract the younger, and hey sometimes I even get in some Tetris play, but do I really want to do this on the plane? Hmm.
  • Cars. Of course. Maybe even trains.
• Random idea: Paper dolls
  I have a set of paper dolls that have been floating around because I pulled them out of some kid’s catalog ages ago. Might as well bring them along, no?

As for when we’re there.. Obviously I don’t want to pack a ton of toys. The preschooler is actually at an age where it doesn’t take a lot to “entertain”. He can do a lot of things with me — cook, go for walks, watch a variety of shows with us, read books, play on the computer, draw, take pictures (CAMERA! Must take the camera) etc. I’m really not that worried about him. I will probably back some card games like Uno and Go Fish and that might be it.

The younger though… ay yi yi. So much energy with such a short attention span! He loves to do stuff with me too but that attention span means he won’t do it as long. There are a number of things we can purchase while there, like bubbles, and of course the grandparents have a random sampling of child-friendly items as well. He also is quite keen on wandering houses picking up random objects, so strategically placed tupperware type containers will work well. In addition to the plane items though, I’ve thought about making this kitchen playmat to play with while making dinner with regular kitchen objects, or bringing even more books. I prefer light and easily packed, which the mat fulfills, but books not so much, so I dunno. Maybe I can convince my Dad to cut up some 2×4s while we’re there for blocks. We’ll see.

I’m sure there are more things I haven’t thought of that I might add at some point. But for now… this is what I am thinking. I wonder if it’s too much? Perhaps I am overly-anxious? It will be fine, right? Right.

I heard someone ask once what the big deal was with travelling with kids; they thought travelling with children was wonderful! I had to force myself not to snort with derision. Maybe your children are blissful travelling companions, but so far mine have proved challenging at best, and I’m often more exhausted on coming home than I was leaving, and that’s saying something! On the bright side, it’s almost always gone better than I anticipated, so at least there’s that.

In the end, I am the sort of person who packs enough food and diapers in case we get stuck in traffic for six hours on the way home (seriously, it’s happened to me before!) so I may be overdoing it. But it’s got to be better than not being prepared. I hope.

To finish things off, here’s my theoretical craft priority list for airplane travel:

• Felt finger puppets/play sets (think houses for three little pigs, etc.)
• I Spy bags (Need to collect random teensy stuff! Plus vinyl for windows.)
• Crayon and pencil rolls, possibly with pockets for paper. Fold out books might work better?
• Kitchen playmat
• Quiet book

Shopping list:

• Teensy stuff for I Spy bags
• Vinyl for I Spy bags
• Paper for plane — books? Sheets?
• Fingerplay book mentioned above

Best get started!

It’s been a while since I babbled about bikes. When I was surprised by this last pregnancy, researching bikes fell to the wayside because biking while preggers wasn’t really an option for me, what with being not only a clumsy novice but on anticoagulants. Biking with an infant under a year also wasn’t going to be on my list of things to do, so I tried not to think about it too much.

But then everything went pear shaped and I continued to not think about it too much.

However, recently I entered a contest for a Zigo, a new-ish family bike that I haven’t talked about before. I didn’t win (probably deservedly, I’m sure there are people that really can’t afford this and would use it a lot more) but now I can’t stop thinking about it. Could a Zigo be the answer to my family biking dilemmas?

I haven’t mentioned this bike before, even though I knew about it, because I didn’t think it was really what I was looking for.  I think it’s novel and a good idea, it is just very different from my original vision. Which means, of course, that it’s more sporty than stylish and more functionally specific as a kid carrier than a universal cargo carrier that I’ll keep for a decade or two.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to get a bike that would fit every single need: carry myself and the kids, carry cargo like groceries, something that could be carried on the car to other destinations, plus be a bike I wouldn’t feel silly in by myself and would last me the next decade or two even after the kids have long outgrown being carted around. Also, it’s also important to me that if I’m looking for something to last a a long time that it somewhat reflect my personality. I know that sounds shallow, but I can’t help it. I want to love my bike. And the Zigo? It’s not as sexy as a Betty Foy nor is it as cute as the Radish. It’s a dilemma.

I thought the answer was an Xtracycle, but for several reasons I couldn’t make up my mind. Should I get a unified frame like the Surly or should I add a Free Radical to a regular bike? If so which bike? Should I get a new one with bells and whistles (and there are so many to choose from!) or should I get more of a beater? How much Dutch style do I want? Could I get away with just a FR8 family (be still my heart!)?

And then there’s the blatant fact that I just couldn’t shake feeling unsafe with the whole damn idea. I’m just not that good a cyclist. I wouldn’t trust myself not to fall over at the slightest gust. Could I risk doing that with my kids? But I desperately want exercise to be a part of my daily life, not some horrible chore. So I kept going back and forth between Xtracycles and trikes like the Christiana. A trike felt like it would be a lot more stable, even though I wouldn’t be able to take it anywhere in the car and I would feel silly by myself.

And so on and so forth. I could never made up my mind.

But the Zigo… I realized many wonderful things while perusing the website:

• The kid carrier folds flat. Ah ha — that might fit in my car. The bike portion could fit on a rack. I could take the kids to Green Lake or the Burke Gilman! Check!
• I also realized I could put a pannier on the back to tow the eldest’s bike so I could carry him in the Zigo when he was tired. That’s one of the reasons I was even looking at cargo bikes to begin with instead of just a trail-a-bike. Check!
• The Zigo in kid mode is essentially a trike, which my gut tells me would feel a whole lot more stable. Check!
• I could take off the kid carrier and ride it like a regular bike, albeit an odd small wheeled bike, but a single bike nevertheless. Check!
• I wouldn’t have to put the toddler in a bike seat, which was a concern for hubby. Check!
• I believe, although I haven’t seen one of these in person, that this bike might be narrow enough to navigate the sidewalks instead of the scary arterial roads around here. Check!
• Bonus: The kid carrier can be a double stroller, which I don’t have but wish I did. Unexpected check!

I was very surprised with how well the Zigo fit my criteria.

So what don’t I like? Well..

• The sporty look is not me at all. But I can live with that. The green is lurvely.
• I really don’t like how the kids are at car exhaust level, like a trailer, but I can see how that’s safer as far as center of gravity goes than up high on a regular bike.
• I wonder how a Zigo does in a dooring situation?
• Also it just doesn’t have the cargo capacity of something like the Madsen or the Xtracycle. It looks to be specifically built as a kid carrier, which gives it a limited lifespan.

Notice how much shorter that list is than the former? Me too.

So there you have it. A new, surprising and unexpected contender that the more I think about it, the more I like the idea. Of course I absolutely relish the idea of toting the boys to fun locales, of Boo practicing his biking skills and the babe enjoying all of this with us, but then I wouldn’t have to harass Boo to finish the trip, I could just cart him the rest of the way when he was done. I could take the Boo to school down the road and it would actually be fun instead of a pain. I could do a myriad of errands by myself should I gain the confidence to do so. I’m still not 100% assured of the safety of the whole idea, which is a major concern for the rest of my family, but at a minimum we could enjoy the trails and Green Lake, and for me, it would be worth it just for that. In any case, surely something like this will have good resale value in the Seattle area.

Of course all of this depends on us not having another baby, but still. It’s a good idea. And even if we do have another baby, the idea can hibernate for another two years. Since right now it’s only January, I’m going to keep mulling it over. But for now, I like it. I like it enough that I’m thinking about going for a test ride sometime. That would be fun :)

B&D August 23, 2009; 10pm.

Sometimes there just aren’t words.

After a long and tearful talk with the hubby, my bike plans are on hold for a while. For many different reasons.

One concern of utmost importance is money, as seems always to be the case, sad as that is. Whatever I get, even if it’s something as simple as the Radish, costs more than we can realistically afford right now. I don’t want to save, I want it now, but I need to save. So there’s that.

Combine that with my need to exhaust all levels of research and come up with the perfect bike combo, and my dream bike isn’t happening any time soon. It may not even exist. (Hello complete long tail with step-through design? Where are you? And can you please come in baby blue with brown leather seat, 8 geared internal hub, internal lights, and disc brakes? Ahem.)

There is a trade-off for this though, which is that I get to join the Y. I am both saddened and heartened by this.

Sad because… it’s just not what I want. I want fitness and food and chores and housekeeping and errands and… all that to just be part of my LIFE. I don’t want to arrange childcare, drive to a gym, ride a bike to nowhere while listening to music or reading a book, lift weights from a multi-thousand dollar machine, and drive home again. It just doesn’t make sense to me. It’s like the McDonald’s of fitness, except that it’s inarguably better for you. It’s just so definitive of our society that we pay for the privilege to use our bodies in ways they were never meant to be used. It actually makes me a little bit sick to think about.

I think that’s one of the reasons I’m in such bad shape — although I actually don’t mind using gyms as such — is that the philosophy behind them doesn’t jive with my developing sense of how I want to live my life. So I don’t go to them, but I don’t do anything else either.

Which brings us to why this makes me happy. At least it’s something.

I feel like I’ve been trying literally for years to figure out how to include exercise in my life in a meaningful way that also included my kids. But all of my attempts ultimately failed, for a variety of reasons. My truth is that I can’t do “normal” exercise around my kids. If I do a video the eldest argues with me about using the TV and the baby crawls underneath me. If I use the Wii Fit I have to compete with the eldest for game time, which isn’t exactly effective. If I try to go for a walk I inevitably get resistance from one or both kids, and even if we make it out the door I end up walking bent over to push both, which isn’t good for my back. Not to mention walking that much isn’t good for my feet. We have no childcare to speak of. There are always needs to be met — diapers, food, etc. There’s always something.

I don’t get a break, I don’t have any time for myself, and I have little resistance to arguments. So while I can do little bits here and there, nothing is consistent or effective. It’s enough to stave off a truly bad back injury (knock on wood) but little more.

I finally reached a point the other day when the only thought that cheered me up was going for a bike ride. I didn’t want the ice cream in the freezer. I didn’t want to buy yarn. I didn’t want to buy anything. (Okay, except a bike, but I was sick of looking for one by then.) I wanted to go for a bike ride and I couldn’t and I was just devastated. I felt so good after my ride the other day and I needed to re-capture that. I hurt every day and I’m so sick of it. I’m sick of me. Something has to change.

But I can’t get a new bike right now. What’s a girl to do?

Join the gym.

So there it is. It means I won’t likely be joining any family bike rides this summer, much to my disappointment. It means I’ll only get to go on bike rides on my crappy bike once in a blue moon.

But it also means I’ll have time to truly shop for a new bike, try out everything I can and make an educated decision, then save for it. It means I can continue biking on my own to become a more confident bicyclist in general.  It means that I can work on myself at the gym so that whenever I do get my dream bike, I’m in better shape and better able to haul the kids around. And truthfully, all of that is a good thing.

So I may be disappointed, but it’s all okay. It will be okay and we’ll get there eventually. I’ve been looking for the slow life — looks like it found me, just in an unexpected way.

Sooo…. Last time I did “bike babble” I had just test-ridden a Madsen Cargo Bike (inserted a sneaky contest link there, go on, click it!) at the Seattle Bike Expo back in March.

When I wrote about the Expo, I had recently come to realize that I needed to slow down a bit; re-prioritize my goals, if you will. That hasn’t changed. What has changed is that I’ve had the opportunity to do a lot more talking — about Xtracycles, about Madsens, about carrying kids, about biking in general. Specifically I also had the opportunity recently to try out an Xtracycle and a Madsen side by side, which was awesome and I highly recommend. Matt in Tacoma is the man to talk to if you are suffering from a similar dilemma as myself!

Trying both bikes was golden because it confirmed what was already a growing suspicion that the Madsen, which while wonderful in many ways, is not going to fit every niche in which I want to bike with my kids.  Of course I’d like one bike to fit all situations, and although that may not be feasible in reality, I’d like to get as close as possible. The Xtracycle is going to suit us for longer, I think. Here’s why:

• My oldest likes it better, or so he has told me. It’s that stoker bar. He really, really likes that. He is fickle and does change his mind, but I do want him to be on board with this project.
• I’ve got a rather large age gap (3.5 years) with my kids. I don’t quite trust the baby to sit in the Madsen on his own yet, and my oldest is going to get big quickly. He’s not too big by any means, but I do want to plan for the long haul.
• I can take the Xtracycle with me on the car. That’s important to me, although I do see the irony. Can’t see hauling around the bucket!
• The Xtracycle will work better for carrying kid bikes. Not that the Madsen can’t do it, I just think the Xtracycle is a more elegant solution to that particular problem.
• The Xtracycle feels more like a regular bike. There, I said it. This is actually both good and bad — I think the Madsen will have more visibility on the streets because it is unique! Also, I love the step-through design of the Madsen. Fits my legs better than any bike I’ve tried so far.
• Although this doesn’t really have anything to do with length of time we’ll use something, I also think the Madsen makes an excellent car replacement vehicle, which isn’t something I’m looking for right now. Again with the irony, I know. But it does feel slightly like overkill. Right now I’m looking more at recreational use.

As you can probably tell, I did finally make a decision — I need an Xtracycle, not the pretty blue Madsen. (Although if I win one I promise it will get good use!)

The other decision I recently made is that I need a step-through bike for hauling the kids. I actually wasn’t convinced about this until a) I finally got to ride my own mountain bike, which is a diamond frame, and b) I tried Matt’s Xtra.

Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. I know I’m out of shape, but good grief. It’s like I have rocks in my shoes. I need to not to have to haul my leg over the front of a diamond frame bike because there’s someone sitting behind me. So while I could convert my mountain bike, I don’t think I will. I won’t feel secure or stable getting on and off, and I will feel plain silly doing it in public.

What else did I learn?

• I want balloon tires — cushy. So nice.
• I can totally see the value in those pricey Brooks/Velo Orange saddles. Instant comfort, unlike my current saddle, which hurts even through bike short padding, much less in jeans.
• Disk brakes are really good. I hadn’t tried those before.
• Xtracycles are HEAVY. I’m not sure putting one on my roof rack is such a good idea after all.

So a huge thanks to Matt for not only talking me through his cargo bike experiences, adventures and discoveries, but for letting a complete stranger ride his bikes. Sometimes bloggy people are the best!

After thinking about what I learned in talking to Matt, I decided to re-visit Aaron’s Bike Repair, the first place I ever went to ask about Xtracycles, and talk to them more about base bikes. I briefly tried out their basic Xtracycle build, and of course I learned a few things!

• First of all, 8 gears is okay.

I was honestly surprised by that — I’ve only ever had 21 gears so I wasn’t expecting that to be okay. I know it depends on the size of the front gear thingie (such technical terms!) but whatever ABR used seemed to work for me.

• I also learned that the uber-expensive double brake ABR sells may totally be worth the money.

There’s a lever which drops it down when you stop so you don’t have any wobbly problems getting off. Since so far I’ve proven that I’m possibly the least graceful bicyclist on the planet, this may well be a Very Good Idea. Particularly with passengers.

• I also confirmed that step-throughs are not only preferable for getting on the bike, but also stopping in general (like at lights) and getting off. Probably obvious, but there you go.

The plan itself hasn’t really changed, I just have some direction now as opposed to wandering meaninglessly in a sea of bike lust.

At ABR, they highly recommend the Cannondale Comfort bikes, which felt really good, but unfortunately I’m not crazy about how they look. I know that sounds trite, but I have to admit I have this vision, and straight silver lines wasn’t it. The bikes do come in other colors, but they’re just not bold like I was thinking. I was also thinking curves. So if I end up going Cannondale I’ll need some mental re-adjustment to happen first.

Next there are a few more Local Bike Shops I’d like to visit to try out some bikes. Hopefully child free because lordy, they do not like shopping. Hopefully I’ll be able to pick something out, or at least narrow the field to the point where I can make a list of everything I want and how much it will cost. And of course I can also watch craigslist in case something comes up!

It’s good to have a plan. :)

Lately I’ve been feeling very perplexed about the economy and the environment.

I willingly admit I don’t know anything about economics, perhaps a smidge more about the environment. However, I do know a mixed message when I see it, and I’m getting some serious mixed messages here.

On the one hand, we’re supposed to reduce, reuse, and recycle, right? We do that. Probably the same amount as friends out here; a lot more than some people I know back home. I generally feel quite good about our RRRs, with the exception of all the packaging at TJs — why do you have to be so yummy, Trader Joes?

Anyway. I’ve almost become a fiend in some ways. I save everything. You should see the number of glass jars in our house and plastic tubs in my craft room. Everything has possibility. It’s both wonderful and exhausting at the same time.

So that’s good, right?

The whole handmade movement has really put into focus what was already an impulse (I always think I can make everything), but not necessarily my first. I grew up thinking, what do we need to buy when a problem presented itself. These days, my initial reaction is almost always either “what do we already have that will work” or “how can we make that?” which means I don’t buy nearly as much as I once would have.

For example, I apparently have a clematis growing in the backyard, which is a climbing plant. Previously it apparently grew up the side of the house, which I know isn’t good for the house, so I don’t want it to do that. However, I like clematis and don’t want to rip it up. So clearly it needs something else to climb up. I thought about buying something, one of those bamboo teepees or something (nevermind the irony that I also have live bamboo in my yard), then realized I could use the plethora of sticks in our yard to build some contraption over the plant that would provide climability. Presto! Problem solved and didn’t cost a thing.

On the one hand what I did was brilliant, if I do say so myself, on the other hand, bad for the economy. So confusing!

Generally I can’t help but think, screw the economy. Except… you can’t really say that. The economy is vital to our lifestyle, no matter how much we may dislike it or wish it were different. So I keep feeling this very tangible and very real push and pull that on the one hand I need to buy things to support jobs and companies and the government but on the other hand I need to cut back, live more frugally and use what I’ve already got.

Well, shit.

Having gotten rid of most of our catalogs (I have to admit to keeping a few that I just adore and that I find inspirational), having pretty much stopped shopping unless I need something specific (my children and stores do not go together well), I’ve realized I don’t need a lot and I don’t miss what I didn’t know existed.

I’ve also realized recently that part of the problem with my life and my internal struggles that keep spilling out on these pages, is that I’m surrounded by crap. I’m surrounded by the very things I’m trying to avoid. And their very presence is slowly destroying me because of my very own philosophies.

Let me try to elucidate that one!

I generally believe in moderation. I don’t do denial of desired objects. I believe that just increases one’s desires for them, be it ice cream or video games or whatever. Of course my preferred option is to not know it exists — out of sight, out of mind, if you will. However if something happens to BE in sight, well then you have to do mental gymnastics about whether or not you splurge, coming up with good reasons why not, etc. This is complicated ten fold with children, nevermind just doing it for myself.

The other day we were at the zoo on a glorious spring day. I couldn’t help but notice they were getting ready for summer crowds. There was a cordoned off area where they were stocking ice cream vending machines, at least 10 if not more. There were dippin’ dots stands all over the place, I swear nearly around every corner. Then of course there’s the regular stands that offer all the other crap — more ice cream, popcorn, pretzels, etc. And THEN there’s the official food place which also offers mostly crap. ARGH. Hello, can we not have a fruit stand? Small farmer’s market maybe? Geez.

Fortunately, while my kiddo noticed them, he was easily dissuaded by the fact that they were closed, although that didn’t stop him from asking for ice cream on the way home. So you see? I’m surrounded by crap. How am I supposed to enjoy a visit to the zoo with my kids if they’re assaulted by ice cream every time they turn around? The entire visit will be spent explaining why they can’t have yet another one, because undoubtably they’ll have one at some point, because we will want some too, and the screaming will commence and we’ll leave and no one will be happy. I understand the zoo needs to make money, but for god’s sake. That’s not going to be fun. What the hell?

So, I’m saying in a very long-winded way that I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated that the government, the media, billboards, magazines, web sites, talk shows, commercials, radio, just everything is all buy buy buy for stuff I already know I don’t need! I’m surrounded! It’s like being in a virtual hole I can’t dig out of. Well I suppose I could, if I lived on a ranch in Wyoming where nothing was in sight. But then we wouldn’t have our life and we like our life. We’re city people.

Not to mention the whole “It’s eco-friendly! It’s green! Buy this instead of that!” Buy buy buy. Marketers jumping on a bandwagon that doesn’t really solve anything, because the real problem is over-consumption, and if it did solve the over-consumption problem, all those folks would be out of a job as would the people who make the product, not to mention the farms that grow the product and… sigh. The only solution to over-consumption is to stop consuming, but the effect of that is apparently devastating.

Even if we did live on a ranch in the middle of nowhere running off our own solar power and drinking from our own well, we’d still need to invest our money somewhere, which brings us back to the stock market and the damn economy. Some members of my own dear family invest in things that are totally and completely against their own moral code, yet it’s okay because it will make them money. So we all bitch and moan about fast food being the bane of society but it’s okay to own stock in it? That’s just not okay with me, except look at those other people earning their retirement with nothing more than a click. How much are one’s morals really worth? What am I supposed to do about that?

It’s so perplexing. And exhausting.

Looks like Madsen are giving away two bikes in July!

I’ve already written about them twice; what’s the harm in one more blurb? :)

You could enter the contest too if you were one of those people who think this is a cool looking bike and you’re on any of these new-fangled “social media” websites. Normally I don’t go “do” advertising, but these guys are really nice. I know, you never win anything, but you never know, right?

Sewing the binding on to the baby quilt. Agonizingly slow. Good grief. I don’t even know if I’m doing it right!

And the baby is no longer really a baby! He’s one year old now. Sniff sniff!

Guess that “baby” quilt will mostly be an heirloom, eh? Ha! As if. Oh well, at least it’s spring. 

Tonight was the last ER. I feel totally dorky writing about a TV show, but ER has been in my life for a very, very long time.

My one big chore growing up was the ironing, and I always ironed to ER when I was in high school. I watched it religiously right until I moved to the UK where I stopped because they were behind several seasons. I caught up when we moved back home, I even watched ER in the hospital waiting for the Boo to be born (wherein H said I was probably the only person in the entire hospital watching that show). Since then it’s been intermittent, here and there, because kids do that to you. Sometimes I feel like the last person on earth to still be watching ER. But I still love it.

Tonight’s show sparked a thought for me with Carter’s speech about his son who died. He said, “in the midst of our small tragedy we realized we could help people with their own small tragedies” — or something like that. Small tragedy is such a good description of these types of events. On a personal level they are so huge, yet in the scheme of things they are so very small.

You know, I remember that show, where his son died in utero. I remember it because I was pregnant with the Boo at the time. It caused massive feelings of paranoia, not to mention buckets of tears. I almost wish producers would put a warning in front of tv shows that feature pregnancy mishaps: WARNING: Pregnant women should not watch this show. It will make you cry and phone your doctor in the middle of the night when the baby hasn’t moved for ten minutes. I spent the next several days constantly trying to make him kick, just to make sure he was still there. I hoped to hell that never happened to me. I could insert in here some belief about inviting ideas into your life, but I try really hard not to believe that sort of thing.

Anyway. Carter’s speech reminded me that I’ve never really done much to remember our daughter, to honor her brief existence. Of course I want to. I’d like to donate to the Linus Project as we received donations from them, but have yet to make the time. But I’d like to do more — I’m just not sure what. Maybe I’ll look into March of Dimes this year. Maybe some other way to connect, to reach out to others exeriencing their own “small tragedies”. I’m not sure — I hope I figure it out soon.

I also realized that I’ve never talked much about Abigail’s birth. It’s been two years now, and some moments are so fresh, just frozen in time. Seeing her so still on the ultrasound. Telling Hen that she was gone. Sitting on the beach at Golden Gardens seeking solace in a cold, windy, wet day with a very active toddler seeking to distract me. Hearing my father choke up on the phone, which isn’t something I’d ever heard before. walking down the hospital hallway on the way to surgery, the nurse leading the way. Entering the room, slowing down, feet like lead, trying not to take another step forward. The nurse sitting me down on the table, the room large and cold and bright. My body physically rebelling against the idea of lying down. My breaking down in tears and huge sobs that wracked through me as I started to hyperventilate. The nurse pulling my head to her shoulder and giving me a big bear hug, saying simply, “You don’t want to let her go.” I nod, and she says, “It will be okay.” Down I go. I remember the doctor telling me about the knot in the cord, about how I wouldn’t remember any of what she was telling me, except I do. I remember wanting very much to hold the doctor’s hands — the only hands to have ever held my daughter. I wanted to hold on to her hands, in a vague attempt to hold onto my daughter. Except I couldn’t ask — the logical part of my brain knew that I was romanticizing her birth. I knew very well that D&Cs resulted in pieces of a baby, not a whole baby, that there were shiny instruments and silver trays and latex gloves. There weren’t loving hands cradling a small life that didn’t make it. It was a procedure, not a birth.

On ER tonight there was a woman who gave birth to twin girls, a last ditch attempt to have a girl after having three boys, except she died. I actually know a family who had two boys, and on trying for a girl, got twin boys. Then the mom died of breast cancer.

So many bad, senseless, horrible things happen. Sometimes they are big tragedies, and sometimes they are very, very small.  If I’ve learned anything from my own experiences, it’s how joy and grief are so fleeting, so powerful, yet they cannot exist in a vacuum. I thought I couldn’t love Boo any more, but then we lost Baby Bea and I saw him in a whole new light. I don’t treat Bean with kid gloves, although sometimes I think I ought to.

I hope. I dream. I try.  And I remember a baby girl whom I still love very, very much.

(Incidently, I’m fronting these with “bike babble” because our category adding thingamajig isn’t working.)

I keep running into gorgeous bikes and I need somewhere to store the links! I figured I might as well share them with anyone who cares :)

• First of all there are the bikes at Dutch Bike Seattle: Retrovelo and Work Cycles.
• Then I saw these wooden bikes at the Seattle Bike Expo: Civia Cycles.
• I saw another Danish bike at the Expo that I loved as well (wooden handles?!) but I can’t remember the name now.

Then I ran across these and the drooling increased.

• Rivendell Betty Foy
• ANT Bikes Boston Roadster

Then in browsing bike blogs today, I saw this:

• Ahearne Maggie Mixte

Honestly? These are all so beautiful I can hardly bear it. Who wouldn’t want to ride constantly with one of these beauties? And I love my car, believe me. My car is beautiful. But so are these. And so much better for you! I plan to keep adding to this post as I find things I like.

• MAP Bicycles — won best city bike at handbuilt show in Portland. Bonus points for mixte frames, an option for internal routing for generator lights, and, frankly, the name MAP is just kinda cool :) Also, my Louisville heartstrings get tugged by that fleur de lis picture. Funny where your roots come out.
• Pashley Poppy — the only thing wrong with this bike is it only has 3 speeds. I’d like at least. Otherwise? I didn’t know I needed a baby blue bike with brown leather seat and brown handles, but now I know I do.
• Raleigh Superbe Roadster — Almost perfect. But why beige?

I’m going to do this because I’m not planning on buying anything for quite some time. I already have a bike, right? (In fact it now has swept-back handlebars, I just need to fix the damn brakes now that the cables are too short because of said handlebar.) But eventually… well, maybe I’ll just keep a list of components of my ideal bike and maybe someday I’ll get one. When I stop drooling. But before I’m drooling because I’m old.

• Mixte or step-through frame. I’m just not that graceful and my legs are kinda short. Plus, I just like the look!
• Color! Soft sagey green? Pretty purple? Robin’s egg blue? Even two tone — aqua and navy blue? Orange and pink? Light blue and brown?
• Multiple gears. I’m not sure what this “fixie” stuff is I keep reading about, but I can’t imagine not having gears. There are hills around here, people. Maybe I’m not being open-minded enough?
• Retro looks — swept-back handlebars, upright posture, broad seat.
• American-made preferred but not required. Love the ANT Bikes for this — Dutch style, handmade.  Bonus points for Kentucky business components!
• In fact, Seattle-made would be awesome. I see lots of loveliness from Portland but only a few road bike frame builders here. What’s up with that? (Nothing wrong with Portland though, that’ll do if I find what I want from there!)
• I think I want balloon tires. I say think because I haven’t actually tried them, but they sound ideal.
• Clearance for fenders and some sort of chain guard would be awesome.
• Basket. I need a basket. An old fashioned, wicker or wooden basket. Maybe with a lid. I’d get one now, but it would look silly with my old blue/black tiger striped mountainbike.
• I also want lights, maybe even generated from the wheels instead of batteries. How cool would that be?
• Speaking of, although I don’t plan on biking at night, that Down Low Glow is very cool. Does it go with retro? I have no idea.

** Comments are closed on this due to spammers, but if you have a suggestion for a bike I’ve missed please let me know via email! Thanks!