In which I give up
I just can’t seem to get my act together. Is it me? Is it the kids? Is it society? I just don’t know.
What I do know is that it’s not the Angelina Jolie’s of the world that make me feel inadequate. She has more resources than I, and that’s okay. It’s the women who live outside our “western world” who seem to manage to do things like, oh, feed their families, maintain a household, and perform their work, on a daily basis, who make me feel inept. It’s women throughout history who make me feel incapable.
Want some more adjectives for how I feel about my “job”? How about
bungling, helpless, inefficient, inept, lacking, unable, unequipped, unfit, unqualified, unskilled, unsuited, and useless. Yes, I looked those up.
I just don’t get it. I don’t get why I can’t do this. Why can I not put together three meals a day? Every day? Why can I not have a clean house? I don’t mean squeaky clean, I mean not a health and safety issue clean. Why can I not make the things I want to make and fix the things I want to fix? Why can’t I take care of my family, my house, my work, in their simplest forms? Why can’t I do just that? I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard. I feel like I’m missing something.
I think about those women of olde a lot. Pioneer women. Women in the third world. Women who live in villages where they still make everything from scratch. I’ve studied these women with my useless college degrees, yet I cannot maintain even the simplest form of their lives. Why is this? What’s wrong with me?
I’ve been trying to answer these questions for a while now. Part of it is lack of community. Part of it is misappropriated energy in the form of the computer and various forms of media. But mostly I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know how to fix it.
Are other children not as demanding as mine? Surely not. Do other mothers let their kids cry or run wild? Perhaps. Do those kids have their own household jobs by now? Maybe.
I just can’t figure out how to juggle everything. I can’t think of enough meals without devoting at least a few to opening up a can. The baby cries when I fold the laundry. The eldest complains if I sew or knit instead of play with him (unless it’s for him, but even still). The house is never clean enough to vacuum and picking everything up takes the rest of my energy. There’s always something.
Nevermind finding time to exercise or read a book. A least the other tasks have obvious outcomes.
I guess I’m a little down. The election has me worried, my children’s future has me worried, my ailing health, newly developing nighmares involving bicycle accidents, lack of funds, an inability to visit my family — so many things are weighing on me tonight. Some seem so trivial, yet in many ways are the most important.
I keep telling myself it will get better, but it still bothers me that I can’t handle mundane life tasks right now. Fixing dinner should not be that hard. I am not a desperate housewife. Or am I?
October 10th, 2008 at 6:29 am
Carrie, please don’t beat yourself up over this. Those pioneer women learned how to do all of that stuff as children, they’d been taking care of younger siblings, learning to cook and clean since they were 8 or 9 years old. Also, their houses were so very small. It’s not hard to keep three rooms clean if you have a small army of children helping you and very few possessions. Our lives are just different. If you had been cooking from scratch, keeping house and babytending full-time since 16, you’d be a pro at it now, too (plus you’d have a few older children to lend a hand!). And back in the Days of Olde, women like you would have a domestic staff to rely on, at least a housekeeper or a nurse. If you hold yourself to outdated standards without giving allowances for the difference in culture and resources, you’re never going to allow yourself to measure up. Be nicer to yourself, darn it!
October 10th, 2008 at 9:35 am
You’re “shoulding” all over yourself. You’ve had at least two major stressors in the last 6 months (new baby and a move). Go easy on yourself.
Think back to how old you were when your mother was your age now. As a child I thought she knew EVERYTHING. I find it both scary and reassuring that my mother was winging it about as much as I am.
Have you ever seen www.flylady.net? She starts with an empty sink and then goes from there. It helped me when I was overwhelmed with household stuff.
I would also make plans to take care of yourself. Carve out 10 minutes to sit in the sun while your hubby watches the kids or go to lunch (coffee or tea) with a friend. keep posting about how you’re feeling. You’re not alone. LOTS of folks love you.
October 10th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
GIRL!!!!! You have THE HARDEST JOB ON THE PLANET!!! I could Never do what you do. You literally work around the clock. I have a demanding job, but after 4:30, I’m free as a bird and I don’t have to think about it until the next morning.
You’re a Mom…a great Mom. You are in demand physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. You never get a break. Pioneer women??? Give me a break…you know why they had 10 kids…it’s so the older kids could help cook, clean and rear the younger ones!
I can’t imagine trying to do what you do especially being so far away from your family. It’s hard when you don’t have an adequate support network. Things will get easier when big boy starts school. Until then…tell Hen you need one hour a day to yourself. Then you spend it any darn way you please…even if it means locking yourself in the car in the driveway. Whatever it takes to get some sanity.
I wish I could give you a hug and a chai-berg!
October 10th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Forgot to mention, pioneer women died at the average age of 35! 24 if you worked in the spinning mills. You have a house, a college education, 2 healthy kids, you have a lot to be proud of! There are many others going through tougher times. Take the time you need, but I know it’s hard to get away. Soon, you’ll be able to sit the baby in the high chair and make dinner, for now, just heat up dinner!
October 20th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Hi — I had to comment on this post as I feel like I could have written it, word for word.
I have recently started listening to all the inner talk I have about not being good enough, and kindly ignoring it. :-)
For example, I didn’t realize how I had an almost constant silent dialog throughout the day — even WHILE I was cleaning something up or helping my child — about how I couldn’t stay on top of things, I was a bad mom, etc.
Now I try to hear it, notice it, “Oh, I’m feeling badly about not doing more, ” or “I’m having judging thoughts,” and then let it go of its own accord.
You have young kids, right? Give yourself some time… like YEARS… before expecting more of yourself. ;) At least, that’s what I try to remember.
And, thank you for coming by my blog!
Blessings,
Stacy