On being a stay at home mom
I was watching the Today Show this morning (I know, I never used to watch such drivel, but getting up with a baby far too early will do that to you) and there was this segment about whether mothers were happier working out of the home or staying at home.
I believe it was prompted by the whole “can Sarah Palin be a good mom and good VP too” thing (a topic which is really starting to annoy the crap out of me) so the Today folks hosted two authors to discuss the issue. The books were The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennetts, and Beside Every Successful Man by Megan Basham.
Right, so with that out of the way, this segment was really annoying! One lady was citing studies showed that mothers were happier working outside the home, while the other was citing studies that showed that mothers were happier staying at home. This is why studies on people annoy me — it seems hard to prove anything for certain. Humans are a diverse lot, yes?
The author who was claiming that mothers are happier at home cited one statistic that really got my goat. She said something like, “Women who stay at home have husbands who earn 20-50% more than the husbands of women who work.”
HELLO. Surely that’s a socio-economic figure that’s been twisted to work in this scenario. Surely the men whose wives stay at home earn 20-50% more because they already earned more to begin with (or had the potential to do so) and can therefore afford to have wives who don’t work. A wife quitting her job does not assure that her husband, who may be, say, a manager at Taco Bell, suddenly earns twice his previous income. That part was utterly ridiculous.
But then I also took issue with the other lady stating that women were happier working. I can assure you that I am way happier at home than I ever was working. Obviously this doesn’t apply to everyone — I don’t have a career, for example, being a lawyer. If I did, I’m sure I would have kept working. But I don’t, and I love being at home. If I get bored it’s not because of lack of things that I want to do, but because my children are requiring things that I find boring but still feel the need to do anyway. I also take care to maintain my identity, not that I know what that is exactly, but it’s not just someone’s mom, that’s for sure.
Of course the lady who insisted that women were happier working seemed primarily to be interested in warning women of the dangers of being overly reliant on a man, that you run the risk of lacking a retirement, of being alone for decades should your husband die before you (as is statistically likely) or leave, of how hard it is to enter the workplace after staying home for a decade to care for your children. Fair enough.
But it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I didn’t enter this blindly.
It’s funny.. I feel like I know women on both sides of the coin, and somewhere in between. I know working moms who wish they could stay at home. Working moms who know they would go nuts at home and are glad to be working. Moms who choose to stay at home but worry that they’re setting a bad precedent for not working. Moms who stay at home but want to work, just not yet.
It’s not an easy subject and there’s no direct answer, no matter what the studies say. I know I often harbor dreams of finding the perfect part-time job where I work from home and earn just a little extra money to help contribute to the family income and, let’s face it, buy more fun things for me! But I know I don’t really want to. I bitch enough about lack of “me” time, where do I think I’m going to find the time to work? Even less “me” time, that’s where.
I do think the studies are asking the wrong questions though. I’ve come to the conclusion, over the last few years, that “happiness” is not the goal. Asking someone if they are happy is asking for a fleeting and time/space specific answer. It’s easy to be happy one second and unhappy the next. So what should they be asking? Even if I’m unhappy at the moment, I’m generally content with my choices. I like the way things are going. I’ve stopped aiming for happiness and instead have begun to focus on achieving and maintaining family peace (world peace can wait) and peace within myself.
Are mothers happier staying at home or working outside of it? I feel like there are too many variables to that question to make any sort of broad conclusion about half the human population. I know I’m happy — generally — but I also think a mom can be VP, a mom, and be happy. Although I do wish it wasn’t Sarah Palin that was up for the job.
September 16th, 2008 at 6:01 am
What an interesting subjetc…. and so close to me.
I am a stay at home mom more by force than choice. im a psychologist but, when I was 25 and travelling around the world, I met this dutch man who eventually became my husband. See, im argentinean (south america) which means that i left everything (carreer, studies, job at a University, family, friends, culture, etc) and followed love. Even if it sounds naif, back then (6 yrs ago) that’s what i thought was best. and I dont regret it. However, finding a job (not even in my field, any job) has proved impossible. I did work whilst learning the language and then it stoped. i became a mom (he is 2yrs old now) and combining a job, a kid, a house a husband and the rest seems almost impossible. Or it seems like you have to sacrifice waaaay too much, running around like crazy all day. I wish i had a job, at least a part time job like you say…a way of being in touch with the rest of the world, being out of the house and some extra cash.
My biggest problem, and for many women my age, is that we were raised by women who grew up in prime feminist years. My mom is an ingeneer and had 4 kids and still always worked. And that is the picture one has, right? the super woman picture, what one got tought was the right thing to do… but did that make my mom happier or was it just what she was supposed to do? I asked her that last year when she retired and she said to me that maybe she wished she had stayed at home… because she feels now that she spent 30 yrs of her life running around trying to keep everything together, satisfying everyones desires and even though she kept studying and all… she didnt have time to do what she wanted… she reeeeeally wanted.
So, the thing is, like you say… each person is different, each woman reacts different to motherhood. each of us finds content and happyness in different things. There are sacrificies on both sides of the coin… you choose which ones you decide to take.
Colofrul note: 60% of dutch women decide to stop working or work part time (just 16hrs a week ) when they have children. There is a rising number of women whom decide to stop working or work part time when they get married, children or not. They just rather stay home and persue other interests…and we are talking about the very progressive, liberal dutch society…
I’ll stop now. Sorry, I tend to write a lot.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:51 am
That segment would have annoyed the crap out of me. It should be called “we do what works for our family and what makes us happy”
I was bored not too long ago and was watching Tyra Banks….very far from my normal TV watching believe me and she had the same topic and these mothers were fighting each other on who was right!
I think being a mother is challenging enough and raising a family isn’t the easiest that how about we stick together and be supportive rather than making issues to separate work at home stay at home.
Personally I have done both and both worked for me at that moment in time.
September 16th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I’ve honestly heard that more mom’s want it all. BUT more importantly, want to stay home with their kids. A return to traditional values if you will. (so see? you’re not alone….)