I wasn’t sure whether or not I would want to write something today or not. It was one year ago that we found out that Baby Bea had passed away.

Honestly I can’t believe it’s been a year. It seems both so long ago and practically yesterday.

We’ve definitely moved on in many ways, first and foremost, I suppose, optimistically expecting a new baby in a few months. Although I may miss her and think about her often, I don’t think about her constantly or even every day. We even went through baby things the other day (something we’ve understandably put off, I think) and now have a bag of baby girl clothes to give away. I don’t even have her bear finished — it’ll get finished when it’s finished, I suppose. I’m not stressed about it.

What’s changed? Well I definitely just want this baby to get here no matter what. I no longer am paranoid about c-sections or the “best” way to give birth. I’m not into arguing with doctors (much) or doing it my way. Any way will do as long as the baby is okay. Since he’s currently in breech and seemingly objects to turning around, this mental state might come in handy. After all, even if things do work out as we want them to, there are still no guarantees after that either.

In some ways I’m sort of thankful for the timing of this baby — the Boo has taken an active interest in “baby brother” and even seems to be on the same wavelength sometimes, asking if he’s kicking when he is, in fact, doing so. He feels for the baby kicking and asks lots of questions. He doesn’t understand why baby brother isn’t here NOW. Although he may understand a lot of things about this process, I don’t think he gets that it will be a few years before he’ll have a playmate.

While Boo may still be very demanding and time consuming, I think he’s also much more accepting of Mommy needing to do other things, at least more accepting than he used to be. This will come in handy with a baby around, I suspect. Don’t worry, I’m not thinking everything is going to be peachy keen and that the Boo won’t have mommy withdrawal problems or bouts of jealously, I just think at his current age he’ll be more understanding of what’s needed and what’s happening than he would have been a year ago. He has needed us so very much over the past year that I’m sort of (and only sort of) glad that we’ve been able to give him that.

As for this baby being a boy.. I’ve thought a lot about that. Of course it’s only mostly certain and not completely certain that it’s a boy, so I hesitate to even say something about it. But.. I am glad it’s a boy. I think the Boo will benefit more from a brother, for some reason. And in a way it keeps Baby Bea special. Not that she wouldn’t be special and not that a baby girl wouldn’t be equally welcomed, it’s just a little feeling I’ve kept tucked away in my head. I have a daughter and she’s the only one and she’s special, even if she’s not here.

Bea’s “birthday”, such as it is, will be on the 22nd. I dunno if I’ll write anything then or not. The above is pretty much the sum of my thoughts on the matter, although of course I have several saved posts from last year that never got published. I dunno; we’ll see. It will be what it will be.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 13th, 2008 at 6:08 pm and is filed under Preggers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.